I Had My Time
by Wijida
Summary: A tad bit spoiler-y for "Endgame", but not by much. What could Janeway have thought at the new relationship?


Disclaimer: Voyager belongs to Paramount...and I suppose this is a bit of a send-off...

I Had My Time

By Manda

  


My knots would never go away, as I stood there in the corridor to digest the news she had just given me. Chakotay, and Seven- Seven's death could never happen. And I could never admit to it, if it were to occur. The unspeakable shock, too much for any one captain to face, had me overwhelmed.

"You mean..."

"Yes, Seven of Nine will die." She- I- was nonchalant, all that I had expected her not to be, although by that time, I should have imagined. Admiral Kathryn Janeway was blunt, no longer as self-righteous as I knew I could be, and I was unsure as to whether or not I could trust her. Trust myself, for that matter. It all had a certain...taste to it.

"You're certain."

"I am." She was adamant, and I could see by her eyes- that familiar tilt of the head, the flash of sympathy, of remorse. I'd seen it often enough myself, in the mirror, whisps of steam from a fresh cup of coffee curling around my face, adding to the eerie calm I displayed to myself. Every morning. _Every_ morning. And still, I could find myself staring it directly in the eye, and not once did I recall it appearing at all as she did. "Captain, you know what you need to do."

But I didn't at all. And it worried me. What to do was simple, a question of whether or not I possessed the courage to pull it off. To change history the way I did- or would, rather- was something I felt I could be prepared to do...but wasn't. Not now, not while I had a ship, a crew, and while two of my officers had something much more fragile than a few strands in the blanket of time. A baby, a new life, and she would not die in my foolish escapade.

"I do."

  


"We need to repair this." My steps were paced, patient, and I counted silently to myself as I traced the inner workings of my ready room, like a clock, steady and controlled. Steady and controlled...while I watched my first officer struggle with his own inner turmoils. If he and Seven were really- if this timeline were to follow through- my closest friend would lose himself, and what he held dear to him. I could never bear to see that. "I know it sounds risky, Chakotay, but if you force me to disclose my reasonings-"

"I'd never do that, Kathryn." He broke me off after a moment, stepping forward before the rail which separated us, upper and lower. "But what I'd like to know is what this Admiral Janeway has come back to accomplish, exactly. If she's at all similar to her younger self-"

"-then she knows exactly what she's doing, and is stubborn enough to break the Temporal Prime Directive. Yes, I know." I caught sight of myself in the viewport, eyes lingering on the fine curve of the jaw, the burnished auburn in my hair glistening beneath the lighting. Her hair was grey, and I wondered for a moment as to the circumstances bringing it into that state. Was it from the loss...the loss of so many revered crew to a cause she deemed important enough to risk everything for. She was risking everything, just as I was by listening and following the path she seemed determined to lay out. "There's a fine line between hope and caution, Commander, and I believe she and I are walking the same point- leaning toward hope." 

"I've heard you say that before."

"Yes," I pivoted, staring down at him with defiance- and, perhaps, a smile. "But this time, Chakotay- hope seems stronger."

He nodded, and we approached my desk to turn the viewscreen. A schematic, spread out the width and height of the screen, depicting every detail of the shielding Admiral Janeway had generously supplied us with. I could feel the hope already warming me, entwining through my heart and giving my tense shoulders a relief by kneading them, gently, softly as it put me into a state of ease. Everything could be simpler now, and I intended to allow that. _What could she have been thinking? Wanting to save her people so badly, to bring them home early..._

"Kathryn?"

"What is it?" I turned my head to find him only inches away, watching me with the curious gaze I hadn't seen from him in months. _He and Seven..._

"Are you all right?"

"Fine. I'm fine." I think I was, at that point in time, although the thoughts which entered my mind every time he looked at me. _Chakotay and Seven...two people who are so different, and yet...I had my time...I'm pleased for her. I have to be, for both of them._

"All right. I'll be on the bridge." It wasn't like him, to abruptly dismiss himself like that, yet there was no more to be done, and I assumed that he wanted time with Seven. After the news from the Admiral, I was certain that I too would want some time with her before long, but Chakotay...all the best of luck to him. I couldn't let that go, and caught his attention before he could reach the threshold. 

"Chakotay, wait a minute." He turned, and I stepped forward to grasp his arm. Meaning was standing there between us, and for a moment I felt the old connection- what we had formed after weeks of familiarizing ourselves with the tactics of a seasoned Maquis, and a newly ranked Starfleet Captain. There was so much to speak of, in seven years of close friendship and comfortable command- I almost couldn't place myself at where I wanted to begin. "I need to have you with me on this- I understand your reservations...but I can't step forward without you."

He's thinking about Seven...I wish I could understand that. That feeling...I had that with Jaffen...I only wish I could remember.

"I'm with you, Kathryn." He removed my hand and kissed it, the back, gently, a smile gracing his lips. "I'll be with you until the end."

"I have that confidence." I replied, a matching smile caressing my own lips as he left, and my eyes lingered apon the closing door. "I have _that_ much."

  


~Fin

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